The full list, in case your human does all of them before breakfast.
Why does my human kiss me?
Your human pushes their face into your face and makes a smacking noise. This is not an attack. In hooman, it means "you are the best thing in this house". You may lick back. You may also leave. Both are fine.
The real science: When dogs and their owners gaze at each other for a long time, oxytocin, the bonding hormone, goes up in both of them. [1] The kiss is your human's version of that look.
Good-dog tip: Not every dog likes faces up close. If you turn away, a good hooman switches to chin scratches.
Why does my human leave every morning?
Every morning your human goes to a place called Work. Work is where hoomans collect the money that becomes kibble, toys and that squeaky hedgehog. They always come back. Guard the sofa until then.
The real science: Dogs bond with their humans in a way that, in the lab, looks a lot like a child's attachment to a parent. [2] Missing them is normal.
Good-dog tip: If being alone gets really hard (howling, chewing the door), your human should talk to a vet or trainer about separation anxiety.
Why does my human put on the outside paws?
Shoes are outside paws. When your human puts them on, one of two things is about to happen: walkies (yes!) or leaving (no!). Watch closely for the leash. The leash is the tell.
The real science: Dogs learn the telltale signs that their human is leaving, like putting on shoes or a coat and picking up keys. [3]
Why does my human walk the loud monster?
The vacuum is not a pet. It eats your floof and screams the whole time. Your human walks it around the house because it can't go out alone. It is doing you a frighten because it is loud. Very loud. For you, extra loud.
The real science: Adult humans hear up to about 20,000 Hz. Dogs hear roughly 47,000 to 65,000 Hz, so a vacuum may sound very different to you. [4]
Good-dog tip: Hoomans: start it in another room and pair it with treats.
Why does my human talk in a squeaky voice?
"Who's a widdle snoot? WHO'S A WIDDLE SNOOT?" That is baby talk. Your human's voice goes up three floors when they see you. It means you are very important and possibly made of marshmallow.
The real science: Puppies react strongly to high-pitched dog-directed speech; in the same study, adult dogs didn't react to it any differently than to normal talk. [5]
Why does my human keep asking who's a good boy?
Your human asks "who's a good boy?" a lot. The answer is you. It is always you. It's a trick question with only one answer. Wag accordingly.
The real science: In brain scans, dogs' reward areas responded when praise words were said in a praising voice; the words or the tone alone weren't enough. [6] Your human means it.
Why does my human squeeze me?
A hug is when your human wraps their front legs around you and holds on. Hoomans do this when they love something. Dogs do not do this. Ever. It's very confusing for everybody.
The real science: Psychologist Stanley Coren looked at 250 photos of people hugging dogs; 81% of the dogs showed at least one sign of stress. [7]
Good-dog tip: Hoomans: a lean, a sit together or a chest scratch says the same thing in dog.
Why does my human stare at the glowing rectangle?
Your human holds a small glowing rectangle and stares at it for hours. It doesn't smell like anything. It doesn't throw. Sometimes it has pictures of you in it, which is the only good part.
The real science: Dogs can read human faces in pictures too: in one study, dogs learned to tell happy human faces from angry ones in photos. [8]
Why does my human put me in the giant water bowl?
The bath is a giant water bowl that you are not allowed to drink from. Your human puts you in it to remove your favourite smell. Afterwards you are legally allowed to do the zoomies.
The real science: Dogs often get the zoomies after something stressful like a bath. [9] A rubber mat in the tub and a slow start help nervous bathers. [10]
What does it mean when my human sneezes?
Your human just made a giant AH-CHOO. In dog, a sneeze during play means "this is fun, I'm not serious". In hooman, it usually means a tickle. Bless them anyway.
The real science: Among dogs, sneezing is a way of communicating playfulness. [11]
Why do I yawn when my human yawns?
Your human opened their mouth very wide for no reason, and now you did too. Yawns are contagious, even between species. You're basically twins.
The real science: In one study, 21 of 29 dogs yawned after watching a person yawn. [12] Dogs are four times as likely to catch the yawn of a person they know. [13]
Why does my human point at things?
Your human sticks out one finger at the floor. Look where it points, not at the finger. That's where the treat is. You are, frankly, a genius at this.
The real science: Dogs follow human pointing to find hidden food better than chimpanzees, and even puppies a few weeks old can do it. [14]
Why is my human leaking from the eyes?
Sometimes your human sits very still and leaks from the eyes. This is called crying. It means they're sad. The correct response is to go and lean on them. You already knew that.
The real science: Dogs approached a person who was crying more often than one who was talking or humming. [15]
Why does my human keep saying that one word?
Your human says one word to you a lot, usually right before something good. That's your name. Turn around when you hear it. Snacks follow.
The real science: Dogs learn their name the way they learn anything: say it, reward the look with a treat or a marker word, repeat. [16]
Why does my human ask who did this?
Your human is holding a shredded cushion and asking who did this. Rhetorical question. Do the eyes. The big ones. Ears back. Works every time.
The real science: The famous guilty look shows up more when owners scold, whether or not the dog actually did anything wrong. [17] It's about the scolding, not a confession.
Why does my human smell so good?
Your human smells like home, the sofa, yesterday's sandwich and themselves. It's the best smell in the world. You can find it in their socks.
The real science: In brain scans, the scent of a familiar human lit up dogs' reward-linked caudate the most of all the scents tested, other dogs included. [18]
